Nov. 24th, 2009 | 09:13 am
i feel totally defeated in virtually every area of my life right now.
i am beginning to come to terms with the fact that i may not achieve any of my aims in life. i may not find anyone to share life with. i may not even be able to create a life for myself to share with anyone. i may never become a professional artist. i may die bitter and destitute and alone.
i've recently seen two documentaries, each about a particular artist who attempts to make a movie and for whatever reason is unable to finish the project. in both cases i can easily relate to each of the artists in a way which causes me to doubt myself. i seem to not be able to finish things. very often i seem unable to begin things, either. things that are important to me. i neglect myself constantly.
i sometimes fantasize about inviting women of the internet to live with me in my home. i wonder if my parents would allow it. i think they might. i presume the prospect of staying here with me and my parents would not appeal to anyone i'm attracted to.
i believe i may exhibit some symptoms of autism. i don't actually suppose i'm autistic, but i recently saw a documentary about a woman who is autistic, and also a feature in which one of the characters is autistic, and i am struck by how much i can identify with them. i find it slightly disconcerting.
of course, my symptoms are much more subtle than theirs, and i can usually conceal my neuroses if absolutely necessary. yet we do seem to share a great deal in common.
this time last year an internet personality diagnosed me with narcissistic personality disorder. this was in a scathing article they wrote, which included almost zero factual evidence, and was entirely based on subjective opinion. i don't believe i am narcissistic, at least not in that sense of the word.
when i moved here i went into therapy for over a year, and eventually i became so impatient with my own inability to express rage, the fact that my therapist seemed so keen on my using medication and joining anonymous groups despite my attempts to explain that those options were not appropriate for me, that i decided to stop seeing her. and i don't feel i will ever return to that particular form of therapy.
i wonder if i may benefit from some kind of art therapy, though. but i haven't yet been able to find any local practitioners who can help me to do that.
i feel worthless, and basically defective. i've never learned how to talk to women. i don't know how to be in the world and express myself honestly without experiencing severe anxiety. i fear i am not adequate.
i am beginning to come to terms with the fact that i may not achieve any of my aims in life. i may not find anyone to share life with. i may not even be able to create a life for myself to share with anyone. i may never become a professional artist. i may die bitter and destitute and alone.
i've recently seen two documentaries, each about a particular artist who attempts to make a movie and for whatever reason is unable to finish the project. in both cases i can easily relate to each of the artists in a way which causes me to doubt myself. i seem to not be able to finish things. very often i seem unable to begin things, either. things that are important to me. i neglect myself constantly.
i sometimes fantasize about inviting women of the internet to live with me in my home. i wonder if my parents would allow it. i think they might. i presume the prospect of staying here with me and my parents would not appeal to anyone i'm attracted to.
i believe i may exhibit some symptoms of autism. i don't actually suppose i'm autistic, but i recently saw a documentary about a woman who is autistic, and also a feature in which one of the characters is autistic, and i am struck by how much i can identify with them. i find it slightly disconcerting.
of course, my symptoms are much more subtle than theirs, and i can usually conceal my neuroses if absolutely necessary. yet we do seem to share a great deal in common.
this time last year an internet personality diagnosed me with narcissistic personality disorder. this was in a scathing article they wrote, which included almost zero factual evidence, and was entirely based on subjective opinion. i don't believe i am narcissistic, at least not in that sense of the word.
when i moved here i went into therapy for over a year, and eventually i became so impatient with my own inability to express rage, the fact that my therapist seemed so keen on my using medication and joining anonymous groups despite my attempts to explain that those options were not appropriate for me, that i decided to stop seeing her. and i don't feel i will ever return to that particular form of therapy.
i wonder if i may benefit from some kind of art therapy, though. but i haven't yet been able to find any local practitioners who can help me to do that.
i feel worthless, and basically defective. i've never learned how to talk to women. i don't know how to be in the world and express myself honestly without experiencing severe anxiety. i fear i am not adequate.